How to Breakup with your Partner in a Relationship

When you first started dating, you were so into your partner, Now you're just not feeling it anymore. You want out. How do you break up? Do you want the relationship to be completely over – or do you want it to be better? Sometimes when we are unhappy in a relationship but wish it would improve we threaten a separation to force our partners to change. If you want to be with them but in a more positive and equal relationship, then counselling with professionals may help.

We assume the person who is doing the breaking up will feel nothing, or be glad the relationship is over. While that can sometimes be true, the process of ending a relationship is often painful for all concerned.

Particularly in a long term relationship or one that has generally been good but just run its course. It is normal to feel distressed, miss your partner or even be unsure if you’re making the right decision. You can’t stop your partner being hurt nor help them through the break up process that is someone else’s job. But you may want support for your own feelings.

Understanding your ex has every right to move on and meet someone else is also necessary. They may move on quickly, have a series of flings, or be single for a long while. That is their business. Just as the relationships you have are not their business. (The exception being where you have children and may need to discuss when to introduce new partners and shared childcare).

Thinking in advance how you might feel about this and ways to cope if you’re likely to be jealous is important. Not least so you avoid a situation where you stay with someone when you don’t want them, but don’t want anyone else to be with them.

Read: How to deal with jealousy in a Relationship.

If you are married, live together, share property or have children, the legal and financial ramifications of your separation need considering. 

Things you should not do when you want to break up..

• cutting person out of your life with no explanation
• getting someone else to end it on your behalf.(you started it and there are needs you end it your self.
• using the threat of a break up to control your partner 
• giving mixed messages (so saying the relationship is over while acting as though you have a future together)
•  being unkind or disinterested in hope they’ll end it
• cheat on them in the hope they’ll find out and dump you
• telling everyone else you know it is over (including posting on social media) before telling the person yourself
• continuing to be emotionally or sexually intimate with them after the breakup if you know they still want to be with you

Ask yourself why you want to end the relationship. "You really need to know why you're doing this," Because if someone is breaking up with you, the first question you always ask is, 'Why? Did I do something wrong?' If you've started to like someone else, that's OK. Or if you just don't feel the same way you used to, that's fine, too. In wanting to be sensitive, it is easy to be unclear about what you want. Although it is difficult, the best way to end things is to be very SPECIFIC, but not personal or cruel. You may find reading this piece gives you ideas but you may still have some questions or concerns about your specific situation. Discussing those with friends could be useful. This means telling your partner, preferably in person, the relationship is not working out for you. You can express regret and wish them well. You can acknowledge they are hurt. It may help to rehearse or write down what you plan to say.

They may well have questions they want to ask you about why you want to end things, which it is fair to answer as clearly as you are able. Be prepared they might interpret this conversation as a means to show how they can change or how you are wrong. Being calm but consistently returning to a phrase you feel comfortable with – such as ‘this is not working for me’ or ‘I no longer want to be in this relationship’ - is important in managing such conversations.

The worst thing you can do to your self is being in a relationship that gives you no happiness just to please others. If you were very unhappy in the relationship, you might want to be specific about this when explaining why you don’t want things to continue. Focusing on how you feel rather than listing their faults is a more assertive way to handle such a discussion. Be aware this may offer your partner the opportunity to talk about how you are wrong, to further criticise you, or to promise to change.

It might be more appropriate if you are very distressed to explore these feelings first by writing a diary or letters to yourself or talking through how you feel with friends and family. That way you can keep the break up conversation very focused. You could always write a letter afterwards detailing how you feel. You do not have to reply to any response they make.

Have the conversation in a place that gives you privacy. If you feel you need help with closure a session with a relationship therapist where you both set out how you feel and what happens next may help.

If you feel you cannot talk to them because you fear they will not listen – or perhaps you have told them before and they continued to ignore you – then setting out how you feel and what is going to happen next in a phone call, letter or email may be more appropriate.

You may find instead of being upset or angry that they agree with you, which may not guarantee you will always be friends but might feel easier. They may express relief the relationship is over, which could leave you with mixed feelings.

After telling them the relationship is over for you – and why that is – explain to them what you plan to do next. If you have dependents that might involve plans for joint childcare and how to manage the breakup so you and the children are distressed as little as possible. If things are strained or difficult you might prefer to keep future contact on email and solely about legal/family/financial issues. You can set out your intention to keep things civil and focused but be aware this may not be something your partner feels able to respect.

Some people prefer a ‘clean break’ and do not wish further contact, ever. Others seek a period of separation after which time they can be in touch with their ex. It may be you are able to continue having contact. This is dependent on how your relationship was before the separation, and how you both deal with the split.

Where there is violence

The advice above does not apply if there has been violence in your relationship. In such cases telling your partner you plan to leave may be dangerous and greatly increases the risk of violence. You may need time to plan your exit and only confide in a trusted friend or family member. If violence starts or continues after you have broken up with someone, or if you experience stalking or harassment communication with your ex is not advised. You should state clearly once via email or text you wish for no further contact and any you have will be regarded as harassment. Keep a record of any unwanted contact (including texts, emails and phone calls) but do not reply. Involve the security if there is repeated contact or direct threats.

Source: The Telegraph